Really happy with the way things are going, another GREAT episode! Jennine Estes has more than a decade of experience working with couples, and today she shares a TON of amazing info on how to deal with infidelity, step by step – both for the partner who was cheated on AND the person who had the affair.
I love that because it’s an angle that’s rarely covered. If we shame people who cheat and don’t try to understand the underlying causes we can’t move forward.
Here’s a detailed breakdown of the show, links so you can listen to the episode, and a list of all the relevant links we mentioned in the show.
Episode Summary:
1:20 – If You’ve Had An Affair, Do This To Fix Your Relationship
5:10 – 5 Steps to Overcoming Infidelity in Your Relationship
7:35 – Long Term Affairs vs One Night Stands
16:00 – Admitting an Affair vs Being Caught
21:30 – What To Do When You Develop Feelings for Someone Else
25:15 – Dealing with Frustration and Anxiety caused by cheating
28:35 – Modern Technology and Cheating: texting, tinder and more
34:30 – If Needs Aren’t Met for Years, Is Cheating OK?
38:25 – Should You Change For Your Partner?
41:40 – How to Set Realistic Expectations Without Settling
Listen to Episode 2: Jennine Estes on Affairs, Infidelity, and Rebuilding Trust
Mark Thursday, February 26 2015 in your calendar – it will forever be remembered as the weirdest moment in internet history. In case you missed it, the internet basically exploded in debate over “the dress”.
What’s there to debate?
When you look at this dress, do you see a white and gold dress, or a black and blue dress?
Well, internet split down the middle, and “the dress” became the focus of debate and analysis in every household with an internet connection. Scientists have explained why we see it differently, but the psychology of why it was even an argument hasn’t been covered.
How “The Dress” Exposes Our Psychological Shortcomings
A friend of mine first showed me the picture, and I thought he was fucking with me. It’s clearly, CLEARLY white, with stripes of gold. So I showed my wife.
She looks at it and scrunches her nose a bit, trying to figure out what I’m up to.
“It’s blue and green.”
What!??!?!
I was immediately sucked in. How could she possibly see anything other than white and gold? It’s not like this is a matter of opinion, I mean… it’s obvious, right?
This is where things get really interesting.
There are two types of disagreements: objective and subjective. Objective is fact based, like the distance between two places. Subjective is opinion based, like whether a dress is white and gold or black and blue.
Problems start happening when people mistake subjective disagreements for objective ones, which is basically all the time. But why does it happen?
If you’ve never left your own culture, you have culture blindness. You don’t know how your culture influences your world because you’ve never been anywhere else. This is why world travel is so good for growth – it exposes how much of your worldview is blind acceptance of cultural beliefs and traditions.
Since you can’t travel away from your body, you have psychological blindness. It becomes impossible to see how your perception changes the way you see things, so your brain just says fuck it and assumes everything you believe is legit.
A great example of this is language. We all use the same words, but they carry a slightly different meaning to each of us. If you ask one hundred people to define “near by” in terms of distance, you’ll get one hundred different answers.
The 2 Reasons Why “The Dress” Became An Internet Sensation
The dress was such a hit because it exposed a short circuit in your brain. Two things came together to make this happen:
1) The subtle differences in the way we define words, or in this case, colours.
2) The mental blindness I mentioned earlier.
One and two together creates a seemingly impossible scenario. If you define colours the way other people do, and you see the world accurately, how can there be a disagreement?? Your brain scrambles to try and reconcile the apparent paradox.
Essentially, “the dress” was a form of mental travel. Like stepping out of your house for the first time and realizing how much your windows distort the view. It stripped away the illusion of objectivity, and gave the whole internet a brief glimpse at how plugged in we are to our own personal Matrix.
It’s interesting to note the lack of disagreement when you break down the dress into individual colours. Suddenly, the disagreement vanishes:
When you break it down…
With the colours isolated from the picture, it becomes easy to look at each colour and ask “What colour is this to you?”
I might call one of those coloured squares gold, while you might call it green-gold or brown. Everyone I know who saw this picture only disagreed slightly on how they’d label the colours, but no where near a difference worth arguing about.
It’s when everything is mixed together that perceived differences arise. The ability to spot these similarities in seemingly opposing perspectives is called integrative complexity and it’s hands down the most important skill for resolving conflicts.
I know to some (most) people this is just a weird viral thing, but to me it’s an opportunity to show people why conflict is so insane. The dress is a stunning metaphor for conflict in general.
Whether it’s a disagreement between friends, husband and wife, or world leaders, we’re all looking at the same dress and arguing about the colours.
I doubt you’d be surprised that one of the most common reasons people see me for couples counselling is a lack of sex in the relationship.
In general, sex is a pretty good indicator of how things are going. The F&F rule, for example: if you fuck more than you fight, you’re doing OK.
If you need to bust a sex rut, use these tips. They’ve helped hundreds of my clients banish their bedroom boredom. A+ for accidental alliteration!
Alright, alright… I’m done.
The Chicken And The Egg: Sex and Intimacy
You know, my job would be a lot easier if couples called me sooner. The average couple puts up with arguments and sex droughts for years before they seek counselling.
I get it – most counsellors are really lame. They’re awkward as hell, boring, and with rare exception, useless.
But how long can you endure a shitty relationship?
Is there a point of no return?
When he’s out of Kleenex and single-handedly (ohhh man, on a roll today) keeps Jergen’s in business. When you’re unhappy. When you’re looking at other people. It’s different for everyone.
No one ever thinks this will happen to them. But somehow, the problem creeps in…
One person wants sex before they give affection, the other wants affection before they get sexual. This sounds simple doesn’t it? One person satisfies the other and the problem goes away.
It isn’t though. Somewhere along the way, little resentments build up. They’re so subtle that they go almost unnoticed, like a leaky tap slowly filling the sink drop by drop.
Because of this hidden resentment, the gestures of affection feel loaded with the expectation of sex. There’s an awkward pressure.
Sex is… difficult. Even if your parts work, you just can’t find a rhythm. It feels disconnected. And this is all assuming that the initial sexual advances aren’t rejected.
3 Ways To Break the Cycle and Save Your Sex Life
1) Answer This Question
When’s the last time you went on a date?
I dunno why people assume dating and relationships are two different things. They aren’t.
A relationship is just dating for a really long time. When you date for a long time, you develop a friendship. Take away the dating part, and what are you left with?
Crash course in some basic psychology. In every interaction you’ve ever been in, there’s been “roles”. Doctor and patient. Teacher and student. Boss and employee. Boyfriend and girlfriend. Friends.
Everyone has many roles, and how you act depends on which role you’re in. When you’re dating, you’re in an exclusively romantic role. You’re lovers.
As you get to know each other, you develop a friendship. Passion fizzles when you stop relating to your partner in a romantic role and slip entirely into a friendship.
Friendship isn’t sexy. It’s comforting, but not sexy. Date once a week, flirt, have fun, and turn those sparks back into flames.
2) Break Bad Bedroom Habits
You ever hear of Pavlov’s dog? Guy rings a bell, then feeds his dog. Eventually, the sound of the bell alone made the dog drool.
When you take your phone to bed, watch TV, eat, or whatever, you associate your bedroom with everything but sex. Cut it out.
Seriously – this is one of the biggest difference makers in couples counselling. If you take electronics to bed, you eliminate one of the only opportunities for sex to happen. How often are you alone, comfy, and undistracted?
Make your bedroom sex friendly. Make sure your room is clean. Get silky bedsheets and comfy pillows. Put some scented tealight candles around, and keep lube and a vibrator nearby.
And damn it, go to bed together.
3) Make It Happen
If sex hasn’t happened in a while, it’s gonna be an ordeal. You’ll feel the pressure.
You might have to schedule a time. If it was going to happen naturally, it probably would’ve happened by now.
Don’t make it about coming. That’s awesome and everything, but messing around is a great start.
Instead of worrying about it, appreciate the thrill. If you haven’t hooked up in a long time, it’s almost like you’re doing it for the first time again.
You forget how good it feels, and not just the physical part. Sex brings you closer to your partner in a way that nothing else can.
Quick Tips
–Check medications. Anti-depressants and other meds can make sex virtually impossible. Get alternatives if you can.
–Don’t underestimate sex. Sometimes all those fights aren’t actually because of an underlying problem. Sometimes you just need a good hard… you know.
–Talk about it. If it’s a concern, bring it up. Don’t let sex become the elephant in the room.
–Jump on opportunity. When you feel a little something, look for reasons to do it instead of reasons why you shouldn’t.
–Show affection often. Kiss as you pass in the house. Grope each other. Cuddle in bed. Play with their hair.
–Try when you’re too tired. When it’s been a long time, it can take a lot of guts to initiate. It hurts even more to get shut down. If you’re a bit tired or not in the mood, try anyway.
Leave a Comment
You don’t have to use your real name. If you’re worried about the lack of sex in your relationship and want advice, leave a comment below.
The very first episode woop!!! Thrilled to have Dan Bolton as my first guest! Dan is a really smart guy and had a ton of great advice. He also has a FREE dating ebook you can download (link below).
We talked about a LOT of stuff. For your convenience (and because I have no life and nothing else to do anyway) I’ll be breaking down every episode right here on my site.
Episode Summary:
02:30 – Why a Relationship Won’t Solve Your Problems
05:00 – Regain Your Self-Esteem and Personal Power
06:45 – Overcoming the Fear of Rejection
13:15 – The Importance of Maintaining Individuality in a Relationship
19:00 – The Marriage Myth and How it Affects Divorce
25:30 – Reinventing Yourself After a Divorce
28:45 – How to Eliminate Negative Beliefs
31:50 – Online Dating Profile Tips for Men
Listen to Episode 1: Dan Bolton on Relationships, Divorce, and Overcoming Rejection
If you bring up love at first sight, inevitably everyone and their dog is gonna have a different opinion.
Some swear they’ve felt it, and the skeptics have some really good questions for them. Is it real? How would it even work? If it is real, how could it be the same as “true” love?
Well, after you read my story and do the 10 second thought experiment, hopefully you’ll have the answers.
Love at First Sight is Possible Because of Subjective Reality
Like most of you, my family moved a few times when I was growing up. This meant switching schools, and in grade 5 I experienced my first move that took me away from a love interest. Before I left, her and I made a pact that if I came back when we were older we would date.
I thought about it when I saw things that reminded me of my old school, or when I visited my old town and ran into friends from back in the day. I lived about 2,000 miles away, so I didn’t visit much. One summer I was in the old ‘hood and I ran into the girl in question.
I was pretty conflicted about approaching her. It’d been like 10 years. Was 10 years too long for a pact? Was it just something dumb we said as kids? Nah… 10 years is perfect timing for a pact. If it was a year or two that would just be a regular plan and defeat the whole point of making pacts in the first place.
Being 18 or 19 at this point, I had changed a lot but I was sure she’d remember. In my mind, it played out with her being thrilled to see me and us going somewhere and catching up. The reality was a bit different.
A George Costanza Moment
When I approached her, she gave me that confused, I-don’t-remember-you look.
Not yet ready to throw in the towel, I attributed this to me being older and extremely good looking. I did the classic it’s-me-don’t-you-remember pose that everyone does for some reason.
You know the one – sort of smiling with your eyebrows raised and arms out with a look of expectation, as if this will somehow jog their memory.
I’ll never forget her response. “Ohhh yeah, right… weren’t you that kid that sort of liked wrestling?”
I seriously doubt she could’ve said a more deflating sentence. That’s about as opposite of our pact as you can get. I mean, yeah my mom took me to Toronto to see WWF Raw in ’97, but to be vaguely remembered for that?
The point of this story is that our feelings of attraction and intimacy are based on perception, not reality. This defeats the common objection that feelings of connection, or even love, upon meeting someone “aren’t real”.
Whether you develop an understanding of someone over time, or (falsely) believe you possess that understanding instantly, the experience is the same. You could just as easily argue that loving someone who constantly lies about who they are means your love for them isn’t “real”.
This point of contention aside, how could you possibly believe you know enough about someone to love them on sight?
The Psychology of Love at First Sight
Alright, so people who experience love at first sight have a couple psychological traits in common. One, they’re raised on boy-meets-girl fairytale stories, or at least believe in the concept of love involving some element of destiny or fate. We all rely on our beliefs to explain the world around us, and the way we filter the world and interpret things is shaped by our beliefs.
Whether or not your beliefs are accurate is irrelevant – your beliefs are accurate to you so your brain will serve up emotions corresponding to those beliefs. Your emotions shape the way you act, and the end result is your brain basically manipulates you into acting in accordance with your beliefs without stopping to question whether or not they make sense.
The second thing you need to know in order to understand love at first sight is heuristics. I’ll spare you the boring explanation. Instead, let’s do that experiment I talked about:
I’m going to describe someone, and I want you to imagine what they look like. Imagine someone really smart, they’re the top performer in the chess club, the captain of the debate team, and they get straight A’s. Hold the image in your head and scroll down.
I asked 10 people these same questions.
There were only two types of people described.
Does the person you imagined look like either of these two?
Scroll down.
First off, I’ll acknowledge that the results you get from your friends might be totally different. That’s not the point of this thought experiment.
The point is you are able to imagine very detailed physical descriptions of people without being given any physical traits.
I didn’t mention gender, height, weight, appearance, ethnicity, hair colour, eye colour, clothing, yet people are able to answer these questions. And not only answer them, but answer them with confidence.
Not a single person said “I can’t tell you what they look like, you didn’t describe them physically.”
This is called the availability heuristic. It’s the tendency for us to accept whatever comes to mind first without stopping to consider whether or not it’s true. If one of the people surveyed came across a guy similar to the photo, they would assume a shitload of information about him, even though it might be totally inaccurate.
It’s not just these people either. We all do this, all the time. Every time you look at someone you have a general idea of what they’re like, if you’d get along, and so on.
This is the basic process behind love at first sight. Take someone who has ingrained ideas about what their ideal romantic partner would be like, who whole-heartedly believes their first impressions of people are totally accurate, and put a person representing their ideal in front of them.
Another factor is the simple belief in love at first sight, caused by a phenomenon known as confirmation bias. You see what you want to see, and selectively ignore things that might challenge your beliefs. The less someone relies on an evidence based interpretation of the world, the more likely they are to believe in hokey shit like astrology, the law of attraction, or that they know and intimately love someone on first sight.
Unlike the former two, however, emotions like love are based entirely upon belief. Think about it – if I show you a picture of a guy and tell you he cheated on his wife and abandoned his kids, how would you feel? What about if I told you he’s a swell dude and an awesome father to his loving family? Obviously, who he actually is doesn’t change, but your emotions do.
In that sense, love at first sight is absolutely real, and the feeling is identical to the love you feel from getting to know someone over a long period of time. Whether or not you actually know someone doesn’t change the emotion you experience.
What do you think? Are you convinced, or do you think this is all psychobabble bullshit? Let me know what you think, especially if you’ve experienced love at first sight yourself!
